Complexity! —Ejaz Haider

Complexity! —Ejaz Haider

Mr President, please remember that it is not like this country was born with your government, yesterday. It has been around for sixty-two years. Your democracy is not a virginal experiment

When do you know a country is complex (consider ‘complex’ a four-letter word)? There can be many benchmarks but I have here two for you: (a): when its supposedly best fast bowler is discovered with genital viral warts and has to be axed; and (b) when its president goes away to a foreign land and stays there so long one begins to think he is never coming back.

The fast bowler of course is none other than that Express from Rawalpindi who looks more and more like those trains that carry army units and equipment. They are called Army Specials and take four days from Karachi to Rawalpindi or the other way round.

Now, if you are not a doctor, dear reader, you can Google the bit about genital viral warts. But one thing I can assure you, it has nothing to do with cricket. We have given the world of cricket many types of balls (no pun), Saqlain Mushtaq’s doosra being a famous one, but there is no known technique of bowling called genital viral warts, though it does seem close to an in-cutter, which is a delivery that moves into the batsman, generally around the crotch area, after hitting the surface.

The Rawalpindi Express’ current condition cannot be found in a glossary of cricket terms but the medical encyclopaedia says it is caused by the human papilloma virus (HPV) and is an STD. So, clearly, it is an off-field condition, probably the result of the Express going full-steam ahead where angels would fear to tread — that is, if the angels were in the business of living life to the full which, for their own good, they are not.

Some people insist that living up in ways that can pull you down has a more down-to-earth word in the language: stupidity. That may be true but the verdict is by no means conclusive. For the most part it is thought that people can live very long, healthy lives if they stop doing all that makes life worth living. From this perspective the choice seems to be between living long and living fully. But it mayn’t be so bad after all. One could probably find a middle course between living long and living fully by not trying to deliver every ball at 100 km per hour.

The Express, however, says he is fit to bowl, HPV or no HPV. He has also alleged, or is reported to have alleged, that the coach wants him out. That may be so and Pakistan cricket is a snakes’ pit but would that mean the coach has planted the genital warts on the Express?

I am not sure how the genital warts are relevant to the Express’ bowling performance unless he was bowling with his cojones but the medical board has reportedly declared him unfit. The PCB has written the ICC and fears that if the Express played in the upcoming Twenty20 World Cup and performed well, he could, figuratively speaking, give the PCB genital warts. Although as the PCB stands, frankly, anything will be an improvement.

If this is not complex, I don’t know what is. But wait.

There is the president. He upped and left on May 5 and wouldn’t return until his visas ran out, probably on May 18 — or perhaps he realised that he had given as many interviews as he possibly could and made it to the Guinness Book of World Records for referring to democracy at least once in every sentence he spoke. And he spoke more than any man in his position should.

What has been done, Mr President, is of course done and cannot be undone. But here’s some advice for the future: quite often in life, what is left unsaid is much more important and wiser than what is actually said. To paraphrase this sentence for you, Mr President, let me put it like this: stop shooting your mouth off and stop being misty-eyed every time you say “democracy” (you sound like Humbert Humbert calling out, “Lo-li-ta”). It sounds patently insincere.

Next time you go to the Yanks or them Yanks come calling, you must act like the president of a big country because, yes, that’s what we are, a big country (population: over 170 million; area: over 800,000 sq km; three times larger than the UK, twice as large as France etc). This means you should not give too much access to the western media; do not have to explain things to them; do not have to be apologetic; insist on the correct protocol which means do not meet every Tom, Dick and Harry who comes even if all of them come together or singly and so on.

Moreover, sir, please remember that it is not like this country was born with your government, yesterday. It has been around for sixty-two years. Your democracy is not a virginal experiment; if anything, we have had so many such experiments after several ravages that we can only talk about vaginal rejuvenation. I am told it’s a procedure through which women can be reconditioned. Allah be praised.

Ejaz Haider is Consulting Editor of The Friday Times and Op-Ed Editor of Daily Times. He can be reached at sapper@dailytimes.com.pk